Things That Can't Be Expressed 4

Thought that I was having a cardiac arrest this morning. My chest felt like it was going to explode. Couldn't breathe properly. Could neither stand nor lie down. Grit my teeth and forced myself up. While brushing my teeth, had another vomit round. Nothing came out though. Haven't been able to sleep for the past few weeks. Each time I lie down to sleep, my whole body would ache. The pain is so bad, it's as though I've internal injuries as a result of being beaten up. My bones are aching, my neck is stiff. There's no position or amount of cushion used that can enable me to be a little comfortable while sleeping. Every night I just grit my teeth and force some sleep. Still feeling uncomfortable in the chest. How much longer do I have to suffer? Why are you so unfair? Did I slain an entire nation in my past life for you to torture me this way, in this life?

How True

This is so true.

Things That Can't Be Expressed 3

Watching Glee Season 5 episode 3 Tribute To Finn is really heart wrenching. Especially more with my current situation. Holding back tears so that I don't seem like a lunatic crying along with the show.

Things That Can't Be Expressed 2

The attacks have been getting more frequent. Yesterday during one round of the attack, I actually puked real vomit. However, it was just liquid as I had not been able to eat. Puking didn't relief me of anything. This morning, was awaken because of feeling unwell. Dashed to the toilet and purged. Soon after I got another attack. Dashed to the basin and puked my gut juice out. Just a short while ago, I puked again. What came out was whatever little I had for breakfast, that is half a bun and water. As of 4.45 pm today, I've puked 5-6 times. Stomach is currently really upset and I feel really ill.

Things That Can't Be Expressed

It takes a lot of courage to admit that I'm going through a depressive state. Those that have not been through this will not understand are are quick to judge. I haven't 't been able to eat or sleep or breathe properly. Each day I go through multiple rounds of vomit spree. I don't vomit anything actually, just each time I get an attack I will go through a vomit process. The act of vomiting itself causes me to be ill. The notion of vomiting causes muscle cramps at the stomach area because the body is trying to push something out but there is nothing to push out. It also gives rise to severe gastric. Even drinking plain water makes me want to puke. As it is not something that people can understand, I have to go through this all by myself. I hope to get out of this soon. Just so you know, before you hurt someone, think of the consequences of your actions.

Hoax Is Real

So it turns out that the hoax is finally real. The only hoax was whatever that has been deemed real.

Valentine's Day - Chap Goh Meh

February 14, 2014. This year Valentine's day falls on the same day as Chap Goh Meh (15th and final day of the Chinese New Year celebration). According to the newspaper, this only occurs in 19 years. Stating the obvious. Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day and Happy Chap Goh Meh. It has been a year since things gone sour. Wondered how it would have been had the stupid question not been asked. Sometimes, it's better not to know. After all, ignorance is bliss. While one party is grieving, the other is happily living. Never let oneself be an option or substitute. May things be better and bountiful this moment onwards. Cheers.

Win

The new rule to love.

Card

A card for those in the unknown zone ( the 'x' zone). What a sick joke.

Puppet

Life of a puppet is never fun. Constantly being controlled by the puppeteer for the enjoyment of others.

                                                                                  Living the life of a puppet is a constant torture. Your destiny is decided by the puppeteer. From afar it looks like a lot of fun. But if you look up close, you will see the tears of sorrow of the puppet.

Puked

Just puked awhile ago. Couldn't get the real deal out. Only sticky saliva that taste like lunch. Not feeling any better. Still feeling crappy.

Idk

Ego or pride, I can't tell the difference. I have been told that I have a strong ego. I don't know. Perhaps being unable to express myself well or due to the environment that I'm in, that gives others the impression that I'm egoistic. Personally, I don't think that is ego. It is more of fear of losing someone or something, that I try to revert or change the outcome. I tend to place too much importance on someone or something to the extent that makes me redundant. Even though I have expected the outcome, I have denied it by creating fiction for it. By fiction, i meant excuses. I don't know why my brain thinks it's fine to do this. Perhaps, it is to cushion my heart from the harsh and painful truth. Or perhaps it's nature's way  of guarding someone without a guardian.