Monday, June 29, 2009

Prayers Answered

Dear God,

I knew I could always count on you for every intricate detail in my life. I know you will always be there for me. You will always have my back and pick me up when I fall. I know that you will be there to dry my tears when I cry and put a smile back on my face. I know you are always willing to listen to me. To walk with me, every step of my life. To hold my hand and give me courage. You are the only one who truly loves with no condition. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for lifting a boulder off my chest, enabling me to breathe. Thank you for showing me the right path to take.I wouldn't know what to do if I don't have you in my life. My life is richer when you are in it. No words can describe my gratitude towards you. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for coming to my rescue when I am in need. Thank you for everything.


Saturday, June 20, 2009


The past month and a half has been the most miserable time of my entire life. All the unpleasant times in my life added up would be much pleasant than the past month. It is truly a horrible nightmare.

It has resulted in me not eating and sleeping well. I have developed some kind of eating disorder as a result. It is a nightmare that I can't get out of. Nighttime is the only time I feel at peace. I wish the night never ends and the sun never rises. But that is not for long. The night is too short.

The thought of a new day makes me sick. I feel nauseous every morning when I wake up. This has really taken its toll on me. I have lost even more weight to my already underweight physic. Everything from the environment to the people makes me miserable. I loathe,hate detest,dislike the way my life is now. Why do I have to put up with all this crap? I deserve much better. Life's too short to be wasted living in misery.

*As I am typing this, I am suffering from a terrible headache but I have to resist the pain and let the suppressed feeling out before my head explodes.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Purpose

Life would be great if you enjoy what you are doing and making the most out of it. Life can also be a bitch if you loathe what you do and you don't get what you want. Life is only meaningful if you know what's its purpose.

Sadly speaking, I failed what God sent me to earth to do. I don't even know the purpose of my life anymore. If I died today and gone to meet God, I wouldn't know how to face Him. If God asks me "Child what have you done throughout your time on earth?" I wouldn't have the answer to it.

The sad thing is I am losing myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.The opening scene in "Nanny Diaries" totally depicts my life. If I'm asked to describe myself,I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. Who am I? I really don't have the answer to that anymore. Given the old me, I could easily tell all about myself with pride and confidence.

What's life when you can't even be yourself? What's life if you can't even have a say? What's the purpose of living if you are just a puppet? What's the purpose of life when you're just a pawn in a game? The current situation that I'm in makes me loathe even myself. When I look into the mirror I don't even know who that is staring back at me.

You know you have lost the purpose of living when you don't love yourself anymore. It's fine for the world to not love you as long as you love yourself. But when you no longer love yourself, the future looks bleak.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

3rd Anniversary

On the 28 May 2009, this blog turned three. I can remember clearly the very first entry of this blog. Looking back, numerous entries have been posted and I have come a long way since then.

This entry should have come up on that very day itself. However, I was caught up in a lot of things and didn't have the time to write this post. On top of that, the internet connection has been a real bitch.

One reason for the deferred entry is that my grandfather passed away a day before my blog turned 3. I was also caught up with other "commitments" apart from the funeral service which lasted a week.

In short, I didn't even have the time to rest let alone to write an entry to commemorate the anniversary/ birthday of my blog. I really loathe the lifestyle that I am leading right now. I hardly get enough sleep, neither do I eat well. On top of that, I have to hide behind a mask everyday. I truly beg to differ. I hope that things would change for the better.